Ahli Syurga

To be honest, i could be the most impatient, temperamental human being ever lived on planet earth. i strive for perfection, to the extend that i end up becoming a monster in the process.

and with my son Ian, i am sometimes no different than a tiger mom / step mom. i could come so strong that i sometimes wonder if Ian would ever crack under the pressure one day. i would push him to learn and read and read and read till he gets every word right. i would erase again and again his alphabets book till i am satisfied with his handwriting.

maybe because i did not turn out to be the best person i should be. maybe because i did not fulfill my parents' ambitions that i am pushing my son so hard now?

and i sometimes just won't allow him room to make mistakes. such a cruel person am i but i kept reminding that if Chinese moms can do it, why can't i?

but a colleague's story made me realised that it's not worth to push someone so hard. especially when that someone is your own flesh and blood, and so young.

my colleague was telling me how kids below the age of 7 are what you would classify as 'ahli syurga'. children of this age are clear of sins, because their mind and thinking isn't fully developed as opposed to those above that age.

And i immediately reflected back on everything that i could have done to ian. from the smacking, to the ear tweaking, to the shouting when he refuses to listen to me. Astaghfirullahalazim... what kind of mother was I? kids below the age of 7 if they die are guaranteed jannah in the after life. but for adults like me? i am not even guaranteed a place in heaven yet.

my intentions may be right, to bring out the best of Ian. but my ways along that process could be wrong and i vow to correct that. i should be gentler, more nurturing and understanding. i should accept that ian is still young and that he has a life ahead of him to learn. as much as i spoil ian (yes, i have my moments too when i would indulge him with little luxuries) i want him to turn out to be a god-fearing person, but strives for excellence and be extremely successful in that process. i want my son to live a good and contented life. and if i were to push him the wrong way, i might not turn out good at all in the end.

and so what i did? i humbly seek forgiveness from my son. i told him that i am sorry having had pushed him very hard in his lessons. i am sorry for not letting him make mistakes (like grazing his knees) or threatening to sell of his pair of rollerblades and foosball if he kept watching oggy and the coackroaches.

i have an ahli syurga under my care and that's holy. i will take good care of him and shower him with even more love now! oh don't worry. his bedtime is still at 10 pm tops and yes, i still won't tolerate mistakes in his spellings exam.

phew!